• Adam • Tsuyo-sa • (always_dawn) wrote in lovesneverwrong,
• Adam • Tsuyo-sa •

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Hey everyone. My name is Amanda (most people call me Adam, though), and I'm fourteen years old (turning 15 tomorrow on the 24th). I have a long story which is filled with love, suspicions, and the such.

I met my bestest friend (and true love) online when I was 11. I was two months behind my 12th birthday, so I wasn't so little (but still pretty young). I was into AOL message boards. I found this really cool person on there that was the same age as me - only two months older. She had a nickname on there that was pretty masculine. I was perfectly straight, a good Christian, and didn't know about gays/bisexuals/lesbians. I instantly had a crush on her, and later on, I found out she was... well, a girl. She was the "leader" type, while I was a real n00b who was annoying and clingy. When I found out she was Wiccan also, I was upset cause I thought she'd go to hell. I started preaching to her (no one likes pushy people, x__x;) and trying to convert her back into her little-kid-Chirstian self. I thought I didn't like her, since I was like "She's a girl so it's not possible". But, it was, because I never lost the feeling. I told her in October, 3/4 months after I met her, that I loved her. She told me she was straight, and she didn't mind. We became more attached to each other, and I became obsessed with her. Heck, I almost made a complete shrine of her. I became depressed, suicidal, a cutter, full of low-self-esteem and self pity. It was a reck. And with a young depressed child like her in a worse condition, it was hard for the both of us. I've saved her from suicide a few times, and she's saved me from all the muck. BUT... it wasn't easy for us being bestest friends even. My parents (mom & grandmom) found out about my feelings, and almost made me leave her completely. I didn't give up on her, and I never really had a TRUE bestest friend like her... one who doesn't judge others, who is considerate and honest, and will always be there for you no matter WHAT. My family started to think we were going out, and always made me feel like sh--, saying threats to me about losing her and the such. (It took Dawn, my bestest friend [girl whom I'm talking about], a while to help me out if it.) THEY STILL ACCUSE US TO THIS DAY.

I've gotten out of being suicidal, a cutter over 80 cuts (and about 5 scars left, one huge one on my leg), and a self-pitier. My self esteem is higher, not the best, but I'm neutral with myself (better than completely hating myself). I am rarely self-pitiful, and I am on my way to higher heights. I can help Dawn more now with HER problems because my sensitivy is lower and my strength has risen... all because of her. Our friendship is different from others, and it'd take a whole 100 pages to explain. We've been through the worst, mentally and physically... even family matters and school.

But I've always loved her unconditionally, and I REALLY do LOVE her... And she is my ONE TRUE LOVE. My soulmate. Because, even though we've never been together (probably never will be [oh yeah, everyone calls me Adam cause I'm going to change my sex when I'm older... yeah, being a guy...yup, a dream of mine]), I'll always love her... and I want to see her grow up, get good grades, go to college, reach for her dreams, marry a fine man (she's HARD TO GET... I mean, SERIOUSLY. She's never had a BF even though a lot of guys ask her out), live a good life, and be happy. And all I want to be is there to be beside her, and I want to always be her bestest friend. I'm honored just to be that high to her, cause she's a wonderful person. :) The best friend and lover I could ever hope for.



EDIT:// Forgot to mention... we have met in person, talk on the phone everyday, and I'm meeting her tomorrow (again) actually, for my birthday. ^^ She lives in a state away, so yeah. It's nice when I get to see her. Her family is VERY nice, and especially her mom. She knows about my love for her daughter, and she still accepts me. :) She thinks I'm a good kid, and she likes me, so that's good. And since my grandmom will be dropping me off and picking me up 4-5 days later, it will be an awesome time down there with just her and her parents. <3
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