Hello everyone,

I used to have a livejournal but deleted it due to the 6 apart stuff but started one here specifically dealing with my unusual relationship dynamic.  It was the only place that had a community supporting friends and family of a transgendered person.

A little over a month ago, some changes that had been taking place over the course of years were suddenly thrust into overdrive and now I find myself in a relationship that no longer fits any standard mold.

Over the last... oh 15 years or so, I have been dating men but way more attracted to women.  For reasons I don't feel I need to go into, I was terrified of this part of myself and compromised who I was in order to blend in... the path of least resistance I suppose.  In the meantime, I was dating a man who also knew that he was the last man I'd ever date.  I even started ID'ing as gay even though he and I were together.  Some people have been open-minded about it and others not so much.

He began exhibiting behavior that had me scared that he was really gay but denying it.  It was almost like he was living a secret life outside of our relationship but one that was all online.  I finally confronted him and he admitted that he felt he was transgendered and was considering transitioning.  While I was shocked, I wasn't, if that makes any sense.  The parts of him I was attracted to were his typically female traits.  It was actually kind of validating for me in my own orientation.

Then I went to an all women's retreat.  I picked up an online friend from the airport, whom I had known maybe a year and a half.  She is gay and I knew that from the first time we met.  She wanted to go somewhere and when her original travel plans fell through she asked if she could come see me.  I didn't think much of it but over that weekend... wow.

Pandora's box was opened and there was no going back.  She and I instantly bonded and we hated being torn apart when it was time for her to go back home.  She cried the whole way home.  I was sullen and withdrawn when I went back home.  I loved my time with her.  It felt right and comfortable.  I talked to my bf about it and told him what happened.  I told him it made me wish I was poly because even though he's a man, I'm in love with his soul.  He agreed to a poly relationship and so did she, even though she'd never done it before.  Also they were both already friends because he met her through our online game too.

So over the next 3 weeks she and I kept up an exhaustingly intense relationship that was all online, on the phone and through text messages.  It was every moment we were awake that we were communicating.  I flew one way to where she was and we both drove back to my state and she's now living with us.

In that time, I have told my wonderful bf that while I'm in love with his soul, I cannot have sex with him anymore.  It was like something happened to me that weekend and I could no longer make myself.  I was on the edge of it already but that finalized it.  It has been difficult but neither of us want to be apart so we are redefining our relationship.  He can date others now.  We all three want to stay together and so far, for the most part, it has been peaceful and harmonious.  I am soooooo happy to be in this relationship.  It scares me how much I love her.  I can't believe I didn't do this a long time ago, but then I would have only met her had everything played out the way it did, in my life, so I have no regrets.

This journal is only about our relationship.  I'm not going to debate its validity or its worth.  I know there's a snowball's chance in hell that it will work out long term, but the thought of losing either of them feels like one of my limbs would be torn from me.  So if you want to friend me you can.  All my posts will be public, since I am choosing not to post pics or real life names.

Thanks for your time.


Hi, my name is Jess! I'm an intern at a theater in NYC called Ars Nova and I'm promoting a show that's coming up next week. Here's all the information. Please help spread the word!

On Wednesday, May 23, Billy Willing and Robin Lord bring you a one-time only, highlight edition of their wildly addictive, pop culture soaked, variety-talk show, CREATION NATION for The Zipper Theater.

This twisted, late night phenomenon is your one stop shop for headline news, informative theater and film reviews, live celebrity interviews, and lavish production numbers.

Featuring special guest T.R. Knight!

The Zipper Theater

336 W. 37th St.
Between 8th & 9th Avenues

For tickets to CREATION NATION,visit or call (212) 352-3101. Tickets are $20.
  • Current Mood
    working working
Howl to the stars...

Opinions needed!! (also my first post on here)

I am working on a concept for a website. The idea is that it will be for the promotion of GLBT equality, but I want it to include much more than that. Really what I want to do is include resources about what religion (not just Christianity, but religion in general) says.. show what those out there who are against those of are saying (ie Westboro Baptist Church that formed the website or the religious right extremists of other denominations).. and I want to offer the opportunity to do things in the GLBT community to help get things done. I'd also like to keep the everyone informed on current events (good and bad), as well as past events of the last few decades (or even further back), to give perspective to the roots of the movement. I'd like to present all the information I have on the psychological perspective on homosexuality and transgenderism. And I'd like to present the information I have on gender studies.

However, I need your help. I need to know what is relevant to you and what you want to see in a website that you don't already see. I want you to tell me what sorts of things you'd like to see done in your community or things you'd like to do to help out, if you had the right opportunity. I want this to be a website about the people who are concerned. So tell me, what do you want see everyone? Give me any and all opinions and perspectives.. good, bad or indifferent. I don't care if you think that it's a stupid idea or a great idea, I want to hear them all. :)

And don't think you have to be gay to reply! I want all perspectives and ideas! Just message me and let me know.. or if you'd prefer, IM me at Rei13wolf or drop me an email at

Take care all and thanks in advance for your thoughts!

Also, if anyone would like to help me out, please lemme know!


Also as this is my first entry on here.. I just wanted to say hi to everyone! :)

23 & 69

yeah yeah yeah... happy 23.. (2/3-2007)

23 (2 3's)

5+6=11 (1+1=2)

2007 (2 7's)
2x7=14 (1+4=5)

2+3+2+0+0+7=14 (1+4=5)


shrug, I see the pattern, but most people won't as far as they tell me..

W=23 (23rd letter of the alphabet)

Flip WWW upside down and get MMM
M=12 (12th letter of the alphabet)

36 (3 6's)
6+6+6=18 (1+8=9)

ok.. I'll stop cuz I can go way more into detail and get a bit more picky about it but it comes to the same...

6+9=15 (1+5=6)
or One Five (15)
Which is the same as 2+3

69 is the answer

oh yeah..
and vice versa (V?)

V=22nd letter of the alphabet
V=Roman numeral for 5
V=Peace sign

-ViV- (666)
<(o)> (All seeing eye)
-69- (ME)

it's all about ME
M=12 (12th letter) or 3
E=5 (5th letter)

ME = Mother Earth
Also, check the look of the 'Hourglass Nebula' (figure 8 with an EyE in the middle). As well as The 5 stars which make the big 'V' in the sky where the upper left star is the 'EyE' of the bull (Taurus) and is the only red looking star in the big 'V'.. It's also where Haydes(sp?) is located...

im a new-B!!

Hey I'm new. My name is Sabrina and I live in Illinois in a really really small town. I'm bi I guess you would say to an extent. As stupid as that may sound. I'm way more into girls than I am guys. I'll date a guy and make-out with a guy but I'll never have sex with a guy. thats why i say to an extent. I dated a girl for 6 months her name is Jessica and i can tell you right now you will hear a lot about her. only because I live with her and because im still in love with her. but thats all i can think to say bout me right now. add me to your friend list. im real friendly.
  • Current Music
    hawthorne heights-ohio is for lovers

Hello everyone

im nela ,19 years old & up in washington for the time
well im a pot smokein open minded ,loveing careing love to laugh ,kinda person ... im a shy One thos and im working on that ...and that pritty much it . i dont know what eals to say so im gonna go now heehee
  • Current Music

(no subject)

boy trouble


He is my best friend. I’ve known him for four and a half years. And he is a liar. Some would say pathological, some would say not at all, but there is no denying it on my part. He lies like grass is green; like it’s his job. He lies to barricade his heart, but I’m not supposed to know that. He lies, and that’s no reason to care this much. His deep gold eyes will never tell me the truth, but there’s something honest in the way he smells. There’s something honest about his skin. There is something honest in everything he does, even though it may not be a truthful doing.

He has such a divine presence. I feel him. I know where he is without actually knowing. His divinity, to me, is unlike that of any other human. I’ve never felt a connection with any god. But I feel a connection with him that must be divine. What other way could I explain it? He could turn my water to wine by just looking at me. Or glancing in my direction, or mumbling, or letting me sleep over or letting me molest him when I was rolling. Or just looking at me, square in the eyes. It’s something indescribable. Everything that makes me want to puff up my chest and scream with glee explodes in that moment and I conceal it because I can’t let anyone know.

I can’t be in love with him. He’s…well, he’s him. But I am. It’s plain as day. There is no denying my passion for all that he does. But, it’s a passive passion, consuming only the parts of my life that I let it. There comes a time when I have to draw the line and say that I can‘t let myself act so in love. He might find out. Our friends might find out.

Our friends. We have the same friends. We have the same crew. How am I supposed to openly love someone with the friends I have? All of his friends are so overbearing in his life. They overshadow him, because he is a crowd pleaser (I love that about him…), he does whatever they want.

A lot of the time I want to look him in the eyes and ask him if he could or would ever feel anything for me. But I look him in the eyes, and my selfish insides would rather have him act like he does when I’m in love with him rather than act like he would if he knew that I’m in love with him.

There are many things that lead me to believe he never could. I’m a curvy, voluptuous girl. I fill out a 34D bra, and size 11 jeans. My friends say that I am much like a cello or a violin in my shape. It’s a good thing, I love my body. But he, over the time that I’ve known him, has only gone for size 00-3, short, pretty brunettes with little intelligence.

Sometimes a flag will go up saying, that’s not very normal of a guy friend to do. He says things at times, does things, and they all seem very loving and caring but I can never tell if he’s doing it because it’s in his nature to care for people like that or if he likes me more than another random girl.

Let me give you an example. One night I tried ecstasy. He was there, and he wouldn’t leave my side. From my altered state, I saw many things. Between the dresser and the bed, there was about three feet. I was leaning against the dresser, and he was sitting on the bed in front of me. I pulled him down onto the floor by his pant legs and he came fast. He stayed by my side until he got drunk. He let me molest him. I touched every part of his body that wasn’t his ass or his penis. (At least I have some self-control, even on X). I would constantly run my fingers through his hair and he would kind of pull away but he wouldn’t. He asked me if I was okay a lot, but that’s understandable. He gave me a massage.

He didn’t do that for any of the other girls. What I cant figure out is if he was just taking one for the team by letting me touch him so that he could make sure I was okay, or if he actually wanted me to touch him, and that’s why he stayed so close.

He lets me IM him from my AOL IM screen name to his cell phone. It costs him $0.10 a message, and he yells at everyone else for messaging him, but I can. (Maybe he just got some new cell phone deal and I missed out and it doesn’t cost him money and I’m just annoying him.)

It’s hard to think I’m in love with someone who I know would never give me a straight answer. It’s also easy for me to believe that, in fact, the truth is there, but decoding it would mean having to ask him about it and asking him about it, in my mind, is almost certain rejection, denial, or avoidance. It’s hard to love someone so much that I can’t bear them turning me down. So I just wait, imprisoned, in a fear-stricken cold wine cellar.

I could marry him. We have a great friendship. We click. I love him.

And I get impatient waiting for a sign that he might feel the same way. He is open with his emotions to everyone else. Wouldn’t he give me a sign if he were feeling for me? Or is he as scared as me? Or does he not feel for me at all?

I get so frustrated. Every time I see his picture I swoon. Every time I see him I want to jump him and just love him like he deserves to be loved.